Creating a Great Relationship
By Michael Domekyo Rowland
Most people enter a relationship hoping it will work, without defining what that means. There are a few who decide that they are going into a relationship to reach the highest state of love available for two human beings. If there are any areas which are causing you difficulty, then these are the ones you must work on in order to grow.
There are two types: – conscious or unconscious.
How to Recognize Unconscious Relationship
1. It is reactive and filled with Negative emotion.
2. It is Self obsessed: ‘I want what I want’ or ‘What about me?’.
3. You see the other person as an extra in the movie of your life.
4. You are always in reaction to what is happening, rather than taking conscious actions to continually improve the quality of your relationship. If you are always exploding or criticising your partner, then apologising later – catch yourself in the moment, and, instead of saying ‘you stupid fool you’ve done this or that’, or ‘why can’t you do this or that’, and going off in a huff, you stop and become alert to what you’ve just said, and immediately negate it, or bring awareness to it in some way IN THE PARTNERS EYES. If you say sorry then and there, this will empower you far more than anything else. It will break a pattern quicker than other ways.
The Second Factor – Projection
1. Projection onto the partner of all your own issues, and then blaming them for any of these projections that you don’t approve of.
2. Finding faults or reasons to blame the other. The solution is to realise that the things you see as wrong in another are in fact nothing more than a projection of what you are denying in yourself.
The Third Factor – Your Expectations
See the other person as they are, rather than wanting to mould them into becoming what you want. If you are always ready to pounce on them, you will feel a continual frustration and negativity about them, and find yourself thinking ‘if only they were like this or that,’ and so on. They will be unable to live up to your expectations. But of course that is the only problem – your expectations.
No one will change under any type of threat, however subtle or wrapped in cozy words and phrases. All that will do is to cause them to either bury what they are, and try to compensate with a behaviour that suits you, or be driven further into the behaviour you disapprove of. This is a recipe for disaster, as it will cause a build up of buried self expression within them, resulting in an eventual emotional explosion or disease – or rejection of you.
How to Encourage Change in Others
The only way people change is within an atmosphere of support and love, with the ability to express themselves in whatever way they want, without fearing the response from their partner to that expression. In other words encourage them to be whatever they feel they want to be. This will ground them and they will then change of their own accord. If you feel you have a behaviour which is suitable for emulation, then perfect it in yourself first and so inspire them to follow your example, by your practice of this new behaviour. Natural growth then takes place rather than forced change based on fear.
How to Create a Conscious Relationship
1. See the relationship as an opportunity for you and your partner to grow.
2. Heal any aspects of their conditioning that were not life enhancing.
3. Truly know another human to the depths of their being.
4. Accept each other as you are, and be willing to give all to ensure the other person’s happiness and personal development.
An Attitude of Service
1. Service allows you to live life to the full (fully alive).
2. This does not mean submission, or being a victim. It means being more conscious, more able to communicate, and more creative.
3. Place your attention on your partner and do what you can to ensure their lives are filled with the opportunity to grow and experience love.
4. You are an equal in the relationship, not an employee or boss.
1.Take the attention off yourself and give it out to the other person.
2. ‘Me me me, I I I’ is the opposite of service – which causes the contraction from life. It results in pain and suffering and the failure of the relationship.
3. Kindness, consideration, caring, thoughtfulness, humour and tolerance are the signs that your focus is on the other person, not always on you.
4. These behaviours allow your partner to feel secure and loved and so they too can grow, and give back to you the loving energy that you are giving to them.
5. People sometimes say that they behave in this way to their partner, but it is not returned. This means that either the partner is not interested in growth, or that they are deluding themselves and operating from a self-centred unconscious attitude described above.
Relationship is a life long practice. If you get it right you will be one of the happiest people in the world.
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